were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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