Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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