were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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