dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
