just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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