Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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