Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
