She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Dicks are not precious.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
