I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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