Dude my mom stole all your condoms
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
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He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
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There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
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