god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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