Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
We need to get me chipped asap
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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