i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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