When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
