i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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