So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
