D3 body, D1 cock
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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