Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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