Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You dont lie about slip and slides
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
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