she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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