I cannot find my penis.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
