Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
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Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
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Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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