my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
