I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I did not marry a roomba.
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