Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
