what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
