I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
