dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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