what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
