Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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