I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
