her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
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you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
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He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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