Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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