im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
