i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
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Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
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I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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