A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
