What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
