pop tarts are not kleenex
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I am one with the molecules
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
