please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
