Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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