Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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