the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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