Where did you get a picture of my penis
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
