let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
