Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
