i will never coherently bang her
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
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THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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