My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
