OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I think I just sharted jello shots
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