my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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