girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
