I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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