no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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