he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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