is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
