you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
