I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
