why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
